"I'm going to say something that is probably going to break your heart."
"Then don't say it."
We got in the car, laughing from the arcade, we just played DDR as our last activity of the date and now we were going to drive home. I felt so content. “My lady.” he said as he opened the passenger side door with a smile. “Thank you good sir.” I giggled as I curtsied, pulling at the sides of my nonexistent skirt. I hopped into the passenger side and I waited for him to shut the door and get in himself. I looked over to the driver’s seat as he got in. His brown, shaggy hair cascading in layers as he moved and shuffled in his seat, fastening his seatbelt, filling the current silence with nothing more than a “click”. His green eyes met mine and the only thought I could think was “Fuck. He’s beautiful.” I tried to hide my ever growing smile and I turned away to break his gaze. “Look at me, my dear. You know I love to look at your eyes.” he murmured, just above a whisper. Heat crept into my cheeks as I smiled again and turned my head to meet his green eyes. “You’re gorgeous. I envy the air…” he said softly. “What?” I laughed. He often made short yet odd statements like that. “You see, my love. I envy the air because it hears your breath, it hears your cries, every one of your words spoken, and it can hold you for eternity. I envy its ability to hold you for so long. Your touch is to die for, my love.” He said. I smiled at his cheesy poetry. “You really do have a way with words, Ian.” I said, half giggling. “One would have to be blind to not be inspired by a face such as yours.” Ian replied, a hand reaching up to cup my cheek. “You’re so red and flushed. It’s cute.” He continued. I squeezed my eyes shut as a giggle escaped my throat. He always knew that the cheesy poetry would fluster me. He was so soft and gentle and his way with words would always find a way to charm me, no matter what mood I was in.
Mutual love hung in the air. The atmosphere went thick as we both went silent, holding each other’s gazes. Killian’s face suddenly started to fall serious. He removed his hand from my cheek. “Julianne…” he said, in a firm tone. I gasped and was taken aback. He never called me Julianne. “Why are you so serious, all of a sudden?” I asked.
“Julianne. I…”
“What?”
“I must tell you something.”
“What is it?” I asked, dread forming a ball in my throat.
“My love. I can’t simply tell you here.”
“What?”
“I’m going to say something that is probably going to break your heart.”
“Then don’t…”
“It’s not that simple, Julianne.”
“Stop calling me that!”
“You need to know though.”
“No. No I don’t.”
“It’s very serious, my love.”
“Fine! Fuck it! Just. Spit it out!” I shouted, tears pricking my eyes. Killian was taken aback by my outburst. His hand landed on top of mine and his thumb caressed the back of my hand. “My love…” he started, “I. I am dying.” the words pierced through me like ice picks. The tears that started to form were now rolling down my cheeks. “What do you mean?” I whispered, my breath shaky.
“I have Huntington’s… I don’t know when I’ll die. Or how long I have left. My mother died of it when she was 30.”
I gasped. “No no no!” I repeated over and over. Wailing as I flung myself into his chest. I could feel my heart race as it broke into a million pieces and the sound was so loud in my ears.
“It’ll be okay, my dear.” Killian whispered into my hair.
“It’ll never be okay! I’m going to lose you! The love of my life!” I sobbed.
“I know. But I will be in the air, in the earth, I’ll listen to your cries, your words, I’ll collect your tears. I will still be with you. If you choose to be with another man, I wouldn’t hold that against you.” he said, his voice steady but low.
“I couldn’t be with anyone else! I love you too much! You have my entire heart and when you die, my heart will die with you.” My chest heaved with every sob and it ached with every breath. My arms trembled and my lips quivered. The unstoppable flow of tears streaming from my eyes made them burn. My cheeks were hot and I could feel all of these things. I was hyper aware of every physical thing I was feeling. However I didn’t know how I felt emotionally.
I looked into the grave that was dug for my love. His casket was slowly lowered into it and it hit the ground with a soft thud. The casket was then covered with soft earth. I sat there and watched as the men shovelled the dirt into Killian’s grave.
“I love you.” I said as I helped them shovel the last mound of dirt onto his grave. I gestured to give the shovel back to the man I had taken it from, he merely shook his head and said “You do the honours of patting his grave down.” I was honoured and I patted the dirt down. “Thank you gentlemen.” I thanked the men who helped with the funeral and gave them a generous amount of money.
Our son led the way to his father’s grave, flower in hand and a paper in another. “Look! It’s dad!” Darcy exclaimed as he pointed to his father’s headstone. “Yes, yes it is.” I replied, a smile forming on my lips. I held a bouquet of lilies, Killian always loved lilies. I placed the bouquet down on Killian’s grave and Darcy put his piece of paper with a poem scrawled on it, under the lilies and his wild flower next to my bouquet. “Do you think dad will like it?” Darcy asked me. “I think he’ll love it.” I replied, looking at my son’s hopeful face. “Come here, little chap.” I said, holding my arms out for a hug. Darcy ran into them and hugged me and then turned to look at his dad’s gravestone. “Your dad will always be in the air. Remember that.”
